- What is your concept of marriage?
- Have you been married before?
- Are you married now?
- What are you expectations of marriage?
- What are your goals in life? (long and short term)
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
- Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
- What is the role of religion in your life now?
- Are you a spiritual person?
- What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
- What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
- What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?
- Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
- What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?
- What is the role of the husband?
- What is the role of the wife?
- Do you want to practice polygamy?
- What is your relationship with your family?
- What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
- What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
- Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
- Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
- If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
- Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
- How did you get to know them?
- Why are they your friends?
- What do you like most about them?
- What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
- Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
- What is the level of your relationship with them now?
- What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
- What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
- What are the things that you do in your free time?
- Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
- What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
- What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
- Do you travel?
- How do you spend your vacations?
- How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
- Do you read?
- What do you read?
- After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
- After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
- How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
- How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?
- Do you like to write your feelings?
- If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
- If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you?
- How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
- How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
- Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
- Do your friends use foul language?
- Does your family use foul language?
- How do you express anger?
- How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
- What do you do when you are angry?
- When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
- When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
- Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
- What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
- Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
- Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
- Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
- What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
- How do you support your own health and nutrition?
- What is you definition of wealth?
- How do you spend money?
- How do you save money?
- How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
- Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
- Do you use credit cards?
- Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
- What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
- What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
- Do you support the idea of a working wife?
- If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
- Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
- Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
- Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
- Do you want to have children? If not, how come?
- To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
- Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
- Do you believe in abortion?
- Do you have children now?
- What is your relationship with your children now?
- What is your relationship with their other parent?
- What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
- What is the best method(s) of raising children?
- What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
- How were you raised?
- How were you disciplined?
- Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
- Do you believe in public school for your children?
- Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
- Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
- What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
- Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
- What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
- If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?
May Allah bless Shaykh who has with his advices saved many young men and women from committing fornication before marriage, by pointing out the whole truth in such a manner that the youth of today find it palatable and adhere to his advices. Once Shaykh very candidly called out to the youth of the community:
“When young men and women date with each other (before marriage), they think that by doing this I am going to get to know the person well and then I can then decide whether we will be compatible or not. Remember that this is a deceit. When a young man and young woman go out together they usually only show a front and their best side, and most faults are concealed. Therefore after a ‘love marriage’ people face problem immediately [because ‘they don’t seem to know that person anymore’].
One can also make a assumption that perhaps these types of marriages face furthermore problems than other marriages [without pre-marital relations] because one has an already fixed an expectation that this person was such before and should be so now. Where as a couple whom have not had pre-martial relations will be open-minded and become willing to face any problem that come their way”.
Another time Shaykh said “A young man came to me and said ‘Shaykh I don’t find my wife attractive any more, and neither does she find me attractive. I don’t understand’, he said ‘before marriage we were extremely attracted to each other’. I replied [said Shaykh] to this young chap. ‘It’s quite simple. The love that you had was actually an infatuation, and Shaytaan deliberately put that attraction in the both of you so that you went on committing sin before marriage. It was favourable for him to do so because you were both in grave loss. However, after you got married, your interaction became Halal and lawful, so in fact, instead of sin you were now gaining reward, so Shaytaan removed that attraction, because you were evidently in gain!”
Source: In Shaykh’s Company
Based on the advices of Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat
prepared by Brother Aslam Patel
“You have never seen anything better than marriage for those who love.” (Ibne Mãjah)
Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat dãmat barakãtuhum advises:
1. Every action is dependant upon intention. When marrying, both partners should therefore make a firm intention to accomplish the following objectives:
- Following the Sunnah of our beloved Nabee Muhammad s.
- Safeguarding oneself from sins.
- Parenting pious children.
2. When marrying, each becomes the other’s lifetime companion. Each should understand and appreciate that Allah S has brought them both together and that their destiny in life has now become one. Whatever the circumstances: happiness or sorrow; health or sickness; wealth or poverty; comfort or hardship; trial or ease; all events are to be confronted together as a team with mutual affection and respect. No matter how wealthy, affluent, materially prosperous and “better-off” another couple may appear, one’s circumstances are to be happily accepted with qanã‘at (contentment upon the Choice of Allah S). The wife should happily accept her husband, his home and income as her lot and should always feel that her husband is her true beloved and best friend and well-wisher in all family decisions. The husband too should accept his wife as his partner-for-life and not cast a glance towards another.
3. Nowadays, the husband reads about, and is well-informed of his rights and demands them. Similarly, the wife reads of her rights and expects them. However, both should concentrate on being aware of each other’s rights and then strive to fulfil them. This is the prescription for a prosperous marriage and everlasting love.
4. During the first year of marriage, the couple must try and spend as much time as possible together. This is especially true for the first two months as it provides an opportunity to understand each other’s temperaments and establishes a firm foundation which contributes towards securing a prosperous marriage.
5. The couple (especially the husband) must make a point to arrive home early after ‘Ishã Salãh and scrupulously avoid the habit of socialising with friends late into the evening. Wherever possible, business, employment and other activities should be concluded beforehand or curtailed in order to set aside time for spending together.
6. Mutual respect between husband and wife should not be lost. They should each be very particular about following the Deen right from the initial stages of married life. This will also ensure a religious environment for the children to be nurtured in, contributing greatly towards their successful upbringing.
7. True and everlasting prosperity is only possible for Muslims when they follow the Sunnah of Rasoolullah s in all affairs. The couple too, should adhere to the teachings of Rasoolullah s in all their matters and abstain from anything which contradicts them. Careful attention should be given to this in their intimate relationship too. Inshã’allah this will be an assured approach to acquiring the blessing of pious offspring.
8. In the initial stages of marriage, the love between the couple is a physical bond, wherein emotional changes take place all the time. Despite great passion and physical love for each other, affection between the couple is not yet well established or on a rational basis. Such rational love comes after many years together. It is therefore extremely important for the husband not to succumb to emotional weaknesses at the onset and let the marriage waver towards an irreligious direction. Both the husband and wife should make a pledge to each other to steadfastly follow the Deen, especially in the performance of Salãh and in avoiding all sins.
9. Marriage is like the weather, forever changing. Sometimes it is cloudy and rainy, life appears gloomy, then the sun appears and rays of happiness break through bringing joy. At times, one experiences rain, wind and sunshine all in one day. Such is life, and like the seasons, we go through different experiences. The secret is to remain devoted and steadfast to one’s Deen and spouse.
10. The husband should be sympathetic to the fact that his wife has left her parents, brothers and sisters to start a new life with him. Her sacrifice and her feelings should be respected and joy should be felt by both partners at the expansion of their families.
Just as the wife should treat her husband’s parents as her own, he should also extend affection, courtesy and respect to his new in-laws.
11. As soon as one experiences a problem, no matter how trivial, which remains unresolved for more than three days, consult a person who is both knowledgeable and your sincere well-wisher.
Source: Islamic Da’wah Academy
Nowadays, the general trend governing marriages is that the husband views his responsibility towards his family as being a purely materialistic one i.e. to provide financially for them (a house, car, clothes, etc). This attittude is resulting in many marriages breaking down since many husbands are seriously deficient in not spending sufficient time with their families – in communicating and interacting with the family and children. Islam presents a different view of the role of the husband, where he is made responsible for the Islamic nurturing and development of his wife and children as well as their psychological and moral welfare.
In actual fact the time which he spends with his family is not only a responsibility but an act of Ibaadat for which he will be rewarded. Sad to note that despite this, many husbands become restless and seek every opportunity to withdraw from their families by, among other things:
- Spending a great deal of time watching sports on TV
- Spending many afternoons and evenings ‘with the boys’ at THE CLUB
- Going off at weekends to play golf or fishing.
It also often transpires that if the wife (reluctantly) agrees to an arrangement allowing the husband regular time ‘with the boys’ the opportunity is used for other purposes e.g. conducting illicit relationships (adultery), etc.
He seeks more and more to be away from his family and should the wife raise even the mildest objection, he usually reacts with a great temper tantrum. Sadly, many wives endure this torture of loneliness and neglect with a great deal of bitterness and sorrow, tolerating their miserable condition because they have no where else to go. How often have you heard a tearful wife say, ‘He’s got more time for his friends than for me’.
BROTHER HEED THIS WARNING:
If you are guilty of this type of behaviour then you will have no one but yourself to blame if your marriage hits the rocks. CHANGE NOW! There can never be a limit to the love and attention that you can give to your wife and children. Aside from Deeni activities and basic business activities, devote yourselves towards your wife and children. It will pay excellent dividends.
Allah’s Messenger (Sallallaahu layhi Wasallam) said, ‘The best of you is he who is best to his family’. (Mishkat)
Source: Right Islam